It has been one month since my sweet baby boy Ryan left me to be with Jesus....
Only 14 months since Kyle left...
I can't believe how it seems like time has stood still
and yet time has passed by so fast....
I wish I was dreaming and now it's time to wake up
from this horrible nightmare we call a dream.
I have been so blessed to have been "mom"
to both of my sweet boys.
They have taught me a lot, given me a lot
and I am so grateful that God chose them to be in my life.

I know that they are free now... they are whole now... they are happy now.
I know there is no pain or sadness but...
thats in Heaven-- here on earth the pain and sadness with out them
goes beyond any words that can be expressed
and causes so many tears, that by the end of each day
there are no more tears left to cry.
This is my pain, for I know their pain is no more.
One day I will feel that happiness
when I see my boys again and Lord I am ready.
Thats my goal in life...one I can reach!

The last 14 months have been hard on me.
I never thought of life with out the boys.
I mean the 'knowing' they had a higher chance of dying was "there",
but way back in my mind I mean who wants to think about that...right?
What was more important was their life in the "now"
how they were treated,
how they were taken care of,
how I expected them to be taken care of and treated,
were they happy or sad, were they okay, were they safe,
and the many other things that I needed to think about for them.
And now ....now that is all gone and how sad I feel.
How everything I see and think about reminds me of them.
How my life is so lonely with out them.
How I wish I could just have one more day with my boys.

One thing I learned from my boys is to let go
even tho I love them so much I thought I could never let go
and one day I had to and I had to show
how much I really love them by letting them go.
It is the hardest thing a parent can ever be asked to do
and yet deep inside I knew it was right and I knew I had to.
But easy? oh no ...no it is the hardest thing to be asked to do..
but love is strong and the unimaginable becomes reality
and life as I knew was gone...
Yes I have memories that I hold close to me-
so many happy and yes sad ones.
And many pictures-- You can never have enough...never.

I have met wonderful people on this journey with the boys online and off.
In clinics, hospitals, therapies, school and friends.
I would like to thank all of you for your kindness in all area's.
For all of my online friends who I only know through the internet,
but who have given me so much support and prayers and have not forgotten.
If you knew my boys you were blessed.
If you heard about my boys
you were blessed through words, thoughts and pictures.

My mind wonders if I could do it all over again ...would I?
and a quick yes comes to mind,
for I took the boys because of the love I have for them
and nothing could change that.
So I feel in their memory I need to continue
to give a child a home through foster care and adoption again.
Not to replace or to forget
but to keep their memories alive.
I hope this is in my future
and I can love another child as my own.
Only God knows what path I will take
but I hope I am blessed again to be a mom
to a special child to love
and to one day again let go to be with Jesus.

" For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremaih 29:11
Your loving mom, Jena